(TOO Many) Big Women Need Lovin'

A lot of my students have been signing up to online profile sites/networking/social communities, such as: MySpace, Hi5, Friendster, BlackPlanet, MiGente, etc.. And, I normally don't mind, they're adults.

But... recently, I caught a few of them on more... "adult" sites, such as: OnlineBootyCall.com, Lavalife.com, AdultFriendFinder, etc.. and some of their posts are raunchy!

One student posted that she just wanted sex, "I just want to have sex. So, what's up? If you're not down to hit it and split it... forget it." I'm paraphrasing here because the actual posting was much more graphic.

Another was describing, in detail, how she would perform oral sex on a guy.

Another was describing, again, in detail (ugh), exactly what and how she wanted the guy to perform on/to/in... her!

There are way too many big, nasty and... big and nasty women out there looking for a booty call.

For those of you out there that are into anonymous booty calls and don't really care what the woman looks like... step up your game! You're needed out there!

"Thanks for What?"

I have to give thanks. Thanks for not being related in ANY way to my students.

I have one student (let's call her Agatha) who said that at one family meal she prepared, she poisoned the food! Why, you ask... Her reasoning:

"I was mad at my first baby daddy's mother and her man. They always be disrespecting me in my own home! Talking shit about me in front of my baby and my man! And, he don't be saying nothing either so fuck him too! My baby is five months old. She don't need to be hearing people talk shit about her momma. So I poisoned their food! Not enough to kill them, just enough to make them sick. And they got sick! I hate all their stupid asses!"

And yes, Agatha's still with that guy. And supposedly, the "baby daddy's mother", although she doesn't know Agatha poisoned her, has "calmed down."

I have another student who is a "big girl", tall, tough, athletic... and ghetto. She told me that her boyfriend hit her "Fo' no reason! I jus' said his ass should get a job. And I said it all respeckful, not disrespeck.. at.. all!" So she waited until he fell asleep, then hit him in the head with a frying pan, then punched him as he stumbled to get up, and once he was on the floor, she started kicking him until he gave up! She said he was all bruised and bloody, and made him sleep on the floor, so "he didn't mess up the sheets with his blood".

Yes, she's still with him too.

I just want to give thanks that I don't have to deal with that.

"There are no stupid questions..."

What a load of BS that is...

Whoever said that phrase either a) doesn't know what they're talking about, or b) was lying to someone.

Today I had this one student who could not, simply COULD NOT, stop asking questions about every little thing, even something I had just explained twice... slowly. Also, she kept saying "I just don't understand what you're saying." I'm wondering, if she meant she couldn't hear me properly, or if she didn't understand what I was talking about. Even she didn't know.

I think she has some kind of learning disability, because I had her write out the names of the people in her family (spouse, children, siblings, parents...) When I look at her screen, I only see two children, and I know she had recently mentioned having three or four. I asked "You only have two children?" At first she says "Yea... Oh! wait." and types in another name. The she says "I forgot my daughter." I'm thinking "What kind of shit is that?" When she suddenly shouts out "Oh! And my son!" and types in another name!

Okay, whatever...

A little while later, she's getting frustrated doing something on her computer, and says "These computers don't work! Excuse me, Mr. Teacher, do ANY of these computers work properly?" (heavy on the sarcastic bite)

I asked what was wrong, she says "Why can't I open my resume on this computer?! These computers are cheap!"

I go over to help her open her resume. I look on the floppy, no resume. I look on the hard drive (sometimes they just save to "My Documents" instead of switching to the floppy drive), nothing. I asked if she saved the file. "Yeah, I'm not stupid. I know how to use a computer!" I open MS Word, look at the recent documents, I still don't see anything.

I ask if she's sure she saved it. She says "I never said it was here. It's on my computer at home." My head is about to explode at this point! I just look at her wondering if I can get the last five minutes of life back, when she says "What? I thought the internet connected all the computers in the world."

All I could do was stare into the abyss.

So, yes... not only do stupid questions exist, but so do stupid people.

Funny Blog

Anonymous Educator

I just found this. It's a blog by a teacher. A funny read.

The Corner Seat

Many times a student will sit in the far back corner of the room, and then they perform the tell-tale sign... they turn the screen, so it's angled away from the next student's view.

This is a sure sign that they're looking at porn. What the students don't know is that I can view their screen through the network.

This one student, she swears her teacher gave has permission to sit in the lab and do some work. But... She angles the monitor. (Sign 1) She never picks up the papers she's working on. (Sign 2) She's a bit hunched over, face close to the monitor (Sign 3) She's constantly looking either at me or at whoever walks in the room (Sign 4)

and when you have two of them together in the back, they become more obvious about it, like giggle and lean over to see each other's screen. (Sign 5)

So I "look" at her screen, and what do I see her searching for online? "Suck Horse Cock" (sorry about the language)

That's what I have to deal with. Not only do I have to tell her that she can't do that, but alsonot let on that I can view her screen through the network. Don't you just envy my job?

Baby Names

True conversation I overheard:

BellyLady: "I want to give my baby a good name, so I'm going over a bunch of names."
WeaveGirl: "Yeah? What names you have in mind?"
BellyLady: "I don't like Tiffany, everyone's using that now. I got Kendra, but it's kinda plain."
WeaveGirl: "Yeah, you want a name that's unique."
BellyLady: "How about Paris. That's sexy. But it's a boy's name."
WeaveGirl: "Wait, what about Paris Hilton? and... she's kinda sexy, right?"
BellyLady: "Yeah, I want my daughter to grow up with a sexy name, a girl's name, something she can be proud of. What do you about Bobbi?"
WeaveGirl: "That's a boy's name. Dag, you stupid."
BellyLady: "Nuh-uh, because I'm spelling it with an I!"
WeaveGirl: "Oh, okay. Like Bobby Brown's daughter, Bobbi. That's sexy."

...........wow

"I'm tired of this bullshit!"

That was the line from one of my students, in regards to dealing with her kid (emergency room visits, getting called to school, mischievous behavior, etc..). "I should let his little motherf#@%ing ass sit and bleed next time. Sheeeeet. And then, he drank my whole bottle of water! What kind of shit is that?"

They never said kids are easy to deal with it.

PS. AND... this is someone who said she wants to work with children! Yes, that'd be a great day care center.

And they keep getting shorter...

Yesterday, a student came in with a mini-mini skirt. It was so short that standing up, I could almost see her panties. Now imagine how much she showed when she sat down!

And she didn't exactly sit "like a lady".

I know there's a heatwave on, but ladies... do you have to wear such short skirts? And how short can they get before they're not skirts anymore, just a sash.

I didn't want to embarass her, so I didn't mention it. But next time, I'm going to have to send her to the front office.

Another "whoa" moment..

One of my students was looking up her baby's daddy (on the NYS Dept of Corrections site), when she says "Oh no! I hope they don't meet up!"

When I asked her what she meant, she said "Two of my baby daddies are in the same facility. I hope they don't meet up. They hate each other."

Yes... "whoa".


*Note: She said "two of them", as in "two of the four". Hopefully, they won't ALL meet up in prison.

The Returnees

Sometimes we have students who return after a few months. Sometimes they return after working for a while. Sometimes they return after being in other programs. Sometimes, they just haven't done anything.

There are two categories of students that I dislike:

1) The BS'ers, and the 2) The Sloths

Okay, first the Sloths. These students haven't done anything, when given a chance they don't take it. Not out of fear, but out of laziness. They'll say, "I don't want that job, it doesn't pay enough." BEFORE you've even told them how much it pays. They'll show up late to the interview (if they show up at all), and say something like "Well, I didn't want to work there anyway. They have an attitude." Then ask you to get them another interview. They'll sit at home, doing NOTHING, then complain about how long it's taking to get their GED.

The BS'ers, aren't good liars. They're actually bad at it. But that doesn't stop them from BS'ing. They tell you they were working, but if you check up and call that job, you're told they haven't worked there for over a month. And when you confront the BS'er, they'll tell you "What? They must have made a mistake, I was there about a week ago." Or, they'll call in too sick to leave the house, and then you get a call from a family member looking for them because their kid is sick. And when you bring it up, "Oh! umm... that must have been when I, uh... went to the doctor's office." Then you catch them telling a friend they went to some party somewhere. Or better yet, when they tell YOU they went to a party, forgetting the lie they had just told you an hour ago.

Now, I usually don't mind students who have no ambition, because.. hey, maybe they haven't had their "moment" yet, or maybe they don't know that there is something better. But the Sloths... ugh. They know better, they just don't choose to live having as much handed to them as possible. With the BS'ers, I can understand someone telling a white lie here and there, but the BS'ers are like amateurs trying to get by in the major league. They going through life doing SO much to do get SO little. They expend so much effort to get something they could have had just by saying "Sorry, I messed up. Can I have another chance?"

"How you like them apples!"

So, "Smarty" got a job. Hooray. It's not that I hated her, or even disliked her. I just didn't like her attitude.

She's educated, but thinks that puts her above other people in the same situation. She knows how to behave, but has bad habits. She's smart, but thinks she knows it all.

Anyway, she made some comment under her breath like, "I found a job, I'm out of here... aren't you glad?", and "...couldn't wait til I was gone." I caught it, and said "I'm happy for you, but I don't hate you. It's that I know you can do better than what you showed here."

BAM! You can't get a better parting shot than that.

*Seriously, I do wish her well, but you can't "take the pebble from my hand".

Rules.

Like any other program, enviornment, situation, etc.. there are certain requirements that everyone (staff and students) must meet.

• Don't fight
• You must wear shoes
• No eating at the computers
• Act professionally
• No weapons
• Be on time.
• etc...

Mostly just normal "professional" behavior.

So what do you do when a female shows up and it's obvious that she's not wearing a bra?

And, why would someone (female) go to a place where some professionalism is required, NOT wearing a bra? Especially when people can tell you're not wearing one.

Note: If you can't "read between the lines", it was obvoius because her nipples were poking at her shirt.

WWYD?

What would you do if you're in a room (such as a classroom), and while you're talking to someone , you see a bug in their hair?

Not a bug like a fly or a fruit fly, but a nice-sized cockroach.

Now, you know you don't want to embarass the person you're talking to, so you can't say it out loud. If you tell the person, they may freak out, causing a whole commotion.

So what would you do?

Me, I didn't say a thing. I figured the cockroach would just fall off, and the person woul dbe none the wiser. "What you don't know, can't hurt you." I figured. And sure enough, the person walked out to go to the front office, and the cockroach fell off. The person didn't even know anything happened.

"Stupid Intelligence"

This is a term I've come up with to describe how some people can be educated (very well educated in some instances) but act like someone who doesn't know better.

I have a student who's college-educated (currently attending), has worked in a professional enviornments (upscale retail and professional office places) , but she does/says things that that she's knows better than to do/say.

The other day, it was a quiet moment in the computer lab, most students were working on keyboarding or checking e-mail. This student, let's call her "Smarty", makes a job-search call on her cellphone. Now a quick phone call isn't a problem, but how are you going to sit in a room and talk loud (or at least in a regular speaking voice).

Anyway, I suggested she should go outside, so she doesn't distract anyone. She instead decides to get on her soapbox to say that I preventing her from finding a job, because the information she needs is on her screen. "If you say you want to help us find a job, why do you make it so difficult for us to call employers?"

Mind you, this isn't just some employer she looked up. This is a friend of her's that she's been calling every week to see if there's an opening at her store (which is obvious, because her conversation is loud enough to not miss).

I tell her that that's a good habit to get into, in any enviornment. If you're on a cellphone, it's sort of rude to have a conversation in a room where other things are happening... like a class. And that it's not difficult to just step outside. She said "Why should I go through all that?"

As this conversation ended, she says "Well maybe it's just me, but I thought we're supposed to be professional here."

Yeah, you're professional.

HOW MANY!?!?

Holy Moley! A new student just came into our program, she's less than 40 years old, and she has.. (brace yourself)... 17 children! Now I know you're thinking she's all tired, "busted up" and walking funny, but she's not. You'd never know she has that that many kids.

COME ON!!!

There needs to be a rule, no one over 300 lbs can wear a thong and mention it. Hey wear it if you want. (Who the hell makes a thong that big!? WHY would you make one that big!?)

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, 1) don't tell me about it, and 2) don't pull and snap the string with your thumb! WHAT IF IT BREAKS!!! OH GOD!!! STOP!!

Parenthood & Personal Responsibility

As a parent, sometimes many times you have to "make the call". You decide to do this activity instead of that one because it's better for your children. Sometimes you do the irresponsible thing because you need a break.

Note: I wasn't involved. I wasn't there. I just heard the story from a few people.

I have one student who decided to go to a ghetto house party, and brought her three (yes, THREE) children with her! The children varied in age from almost two to six years old.

Now the party started around ten, so she got there around nine. When they were tired (after 11PM), she put them in another apartment on another floor to sleep, and went on partying.

She had a few drinks (shots of liquor), a few laughs in the hallway, and soon enough she was drunk and throwing up all over the place. Then the next usual phase of drunkiness is... passing out.

So now it's a few hours after midnight, and the party is winding down (because the police have already been called in 10-12 times for various reason, including two near-fights. Someone has to take this this person home, AND HER KIDS!! Someone gets someone with a ride, they get her and her kids in, the start driving, and... she's so passed out drunk, no one can figure out where she lives!

So, someone decides to take her home, let her sober up and in the morning she can pick herself up (and her kids) and get home.

When they get there, she, of course, vomits some more. The kids don't like sleeping in a strange place, so two cry for a while. One kid is hungry, so someone gets him something to eat. They can't find any diapers for the little one, because the diaper bag was left in the party spot.

In the morning, she wakes up feeling awkward (of course) because she's in a strange place, her kids are laying around. She's in someone's bed, there's vomit stains on the sheets, she's hung over, her clothes are sweaty and messy, the kids are hungry... "disarray" is a good word for the situation.

Now, does she get upset at herself for putting herself in this situation? NO!

She blames the party host, because "she should have taken care of me". Why not? The host threw the party, bought the alcohol, and should have been responsible for the people in the party, right?

There's all this drama going on now because, of course this is like junior high school and everyone has to take a side, and little threats are getting thrown around left and right.

She takes absolutely NO fault in any of this, EXCEPT that she "trusted an irresponsible so-and-so" (read "so-and-so" as any number of curses she spat).

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!!! This is a requirement for parents!!! Didn't she get the memo? Didn't someone tell her? She's making decisions for herself AND her kids? That sometimes you have to sacrifice for them? It's not all about you?

Sometimes you just have to say "I messed up. This is my fault. Let make sure this never happens again."

Jay-Z? JAY-Z!?!

Chick, who do you THINK you're kidding? Because it's not me or any other person in the room. What makes you think Jay-Z would choose you over Beyonce Knowles?

I just had a student say she wanted to put her picture on some page, because "Jay-Z needs to get with this"! Come on! And to say that outloud! And to say it seriously! Someone else giggled when she said it, and she said "I'm serious! I KNOW the Jigga would get with this if he saw me."

Where does this super self-confidence come from?

"Is there anything for me to do today?"

In life, one of the main "directives" of a student is to learn. Many times, it's not just whatever subject is on the syllabus. Sometimes the teacher has other things that they need you to learn.

Sometimes, that includes how to behave properly.

One of my students is a college student, and this seems to give her a sense of "being better" than most of the other students. Often, she'll say something like "Can I sit in the other room? Some of the ladies are kind of loud.", or "The ladies are acting a bit 'ghetto'. Can I work in the corner?" or she'll make comments like "Oh that shouldn't include me." or she'll throw a "you know" at the end of something like she's a peer instead of a student. She'll walk out of the room, to go into another teacher's room and say something like "I already know this subject.", or "I thought it would be okay, since... you know." Sometimes she makes a personal phone call and says "Oh... that was about a job opening."

Well, as usually happens in these situations, she got called on it. They called her into the main office and spoke with her about her behavior. After which, she was all upset, and showed it. She came up to me and asked why I complained about her. But it really wasn't a complaint, it was my feedback on how she's been behaving in classes.

So now she comes in every morning and asks "Is there any work I should be doing?", or she'll ask for permission for everything, to go to the bathroom, to make a copy, to throw out a piece of paper, sneeze... everything.

She's being "overly compliant". I don't care. It's not like I'm going to cry because she's hurting my feelings by being polite.

But my point is, often we learn lessons in life about other things when we don't expect it, and if you're unwilling to accept being corrected or tought something, then you'll be that person who people look at and think "That's ghetto." or "Wow, how did s/he graduate?"

Point is, no one is perfect, be willing to be wrong once in a while. And learn to be better.

Horse Mouth

This is a term I use for people who talk a) very loud, and b) very "street".

I have one student who every now and then, makes a professional call (either for an apartment, a job opening, an appointment, etc..), and she always gets at least one hang up.

Typical call (and I'm guessing the other side of the conversation):

HMouth: HELLO? Y'ALL GOT THAT APARTMENT READY NOW?
Person: Hello? Who is this?
HMouth: YEAH, I'M THA' ONE THAT CALLED YESTERDAY ABOUT THA' APARTMENT.
*click
HMouth: HELLO?

(HMouth calls back)
HMouth: YEAH, I JUST CALLED. I'M CALLING ABOUT THA' APARTMENT.
Person: uhhmm, can you call back tomorrow?
HMouth: TOMORROW? YEAH, OKAY, WHATEVA. BUT CAN I...
*click
HMouth: HELLO?

HMouth: I DON'T KNOW WHAT UP WIT DEZE PEOPLE? IT'S LIKE DEY DON'T WANT TO RENT THEY'S APARTMENT OR SUMTIN'! IF DEY DON'T WANT TO RENT, WHY DEY PUT THAT SHYT IN THE PAPER? YOU KNOW WHAT AH'M SAYING? AAAAIIITE!

Calls for job openings tend to go the same way.

And I always tell her "Try to talk a little lower, people tend not to like it when they're being shouted at." But she always goes back to "Horse Mouthing".

Long break, but I'm back... and stressed more than ever.

Alright... question. How does anyone, ANYONE, think it's okay to burp, OUT LOUD, in a room full of people (who are supposed to be acting at least PARTIALLY professionally), THEN, to complete the act... say, again out loud, "SAWRRY, Y'ALL! WHEW! SMELLS LIKE BALLS AND CORN CHIPS!"

I thought to myself, "Did that just happen? Am I dreaming or something?" And no one (which says something about the people around her) even noticed a thing!

Okay...

1. You KNOW you didn't have to burp that loudly.
2. WHY did your burp smell like "balls and cornchips"?
3. Did you HAVE TO make a comment after burping?
4. WHY did you have to say YOUR OWN BURP smelled "balls and cornchips"?
5. WHY DID YOUR BURP SMELL LIKE "BALLS AND CORNCHIPS"?
6. Why did you have to put that in my mind?
7. Balls.... and cornchips... wtf??? What kind of insane combination is that!!??
8. SERIOUSLY..... WTF???!!!???
9. Balls!?
10. Cornchips!?
11. W... T... F!
    

I was just stunned for most of the day. Like just... in shock.

wow. just... wow.